Facing Myself

When I set up my blog, I thought I would be writing fairly frequently, and yet I find that I can only write when I feel inspired….. And lately, my inspiration level has been very low. Over the past several weeks, I have discovered just how completely and utterly human I am, and the process of accepting this fact, and learning how to live through it and how to move forward is the most daunting I have ever faced.

I found out a business associate is a fraud, and that she defrauded me and others out of a great deal of money. I still can’t quite believe it. I still can’t believe how foolish I have been. I find myself bouncing around in every possible emotional state: shame, disgust, fear, panic, a glimmer of hope that something might be redeeming about this situation, then back to guilt, fear and panic. Many have helped me through this, and I am so grateful for my family and friends that are standing beside me, holding my hand and helping me work through this.

It is a testament to what I have actually built in my life that these people don’t have the same low opinion of me that I do at this point. I know I am a “good person” and I know that I had no intention of this happening. I still feel responsible for it because it happened to me. I have such a sense of responsibility in life, I can’t even spend a lot of energy angry and blame-throwing toward this person. She is playing a role in this, no doubt, and she deserves to pay for what she has done. I have no idea if there is any legal recourse for this, a she is very clever and deceptive, and tells a really good sob story. So the only actual legal recourse may be Divine Justice.

I have believed in Divine Justice since I was very young. I have believed that we are in a beautifully ordered Divine Universe governed by Infinite Intelligence since I was able to formulate the concept as a child, albeit I didn’t learn how to call it that until I studied as I got older. But inside, I knew there was a God, and that God was inside me, and every other person on the planet.

Dealing with a situation like this has triggered all sorts of self-doubt, questioning what I did to get myself into this problem, sometimes frantic searching for some semblance of reason to be able to live with myself. I have valued being self-sufficient, taking care of myself financially for a long time. Is God teaching me to value something else more? I think so, but the pain of feeling I have screwed up is sometimes more than I think I can bear.

But I do bear it. I keep going to sleep and waking up each day and I’m still here. I reach out to friends and talk it through. One friend has become the voice of God for me. She listens to me in pain, she responds to me as if God were talking. She says things like, “I’m here for you. I am always with you. I love you. I understand you.” Isn’t that what God is for us? A presence, a force of nature that is undaunted by human experience–that can hold us close and comfort us as we sometimes crawl through life?

I find it very difficult to talk about this problem with very many people. It triggers a sense of panic that seems uncontrollable. But the paradox is that when I do admit what I am living through, and I let people see how painful it is, how hard a time I am having, we seem to connect on a deeper level and I feel a closer friendship with them.

So I’m trusting that God is leading me through a transformation from one kind of woman to another. This new woman doesn’t think she has her life handled. This new woman uncertain about some things. She is fragile. She is scared. She is vulnerable.

The other interesting thing I see is that if a client calls, I’m sort of “on it” in that I am able to cut through their issues and work with them to help them see another way to handle their situations. I have had concerns that this crisis would so debilitate me that I couldn’t coach people. But I am actually doing fine when I work. And the added benefit I see is that I feel so much more deeply what they are feeling, and care so much more deeply about them. I know I cared about my clients before, this just seems like more.

So, I do understand the good/bad/good/bad of living through this difficult time. I haven’t fallen apart in complete despair. I am certain I will feel differently about all of this in a few months, a year–by then I will have a clearer perspective, a deeper understanding of the lessons I’m learning right now.

What I do know is that I am more deeply grateful for my family and friends than I dreamed I could be. The feeling goes down to my core and comforts me even when I am so scared and panicky that I don’t know if I can breathe. I still feel them with me. That feeling is worth more than money, and I know it is a big part of what I am learning here. I also know that the more grateful I can be, the more I have a chance to get back into balance. So I am looking each day for more and more to be grateful for.

So, thank you God for giving me such a tremendous opportunity to grow. I’m going to talk about this in my blog, because this morning I woke up realizing that if I don’t write about this, I may not be able to get off the merry-go-round of self-flagellation and move forward into what my life is becoming. Maybe if I write every morning, I will be able to make more sense of this and my progress will seem more real.

I sure hope so!