Feeling Love

This morning I realized that with all the changes I’ve been experiencing lately, I find that my connections with my family and friends are more important than ever. I know I have had people and relationships high on my values list for a long time, but they seem to have taken first place over the past few months.

I spent so many years driving myself, working so much, taking on one project after another, and now that I live differently I have no desire to go back to the old way. I am so much more clear about what is important to me.

My friends and family have truly held my hand and helped me walk through facing myself and the difficult period I’ve been walking through. When I didn’t think I could breathe, I called a friend for help. When I couldn’t eat or sleep, I called a friend for help. I spent many afternoons at my mother’s apartment just being with her, watching movies and comforting each other.

The best thing about all this is that I didn’t even know how much more love I could feel until I became so humbled that I didn’t seem to have the old armor up anymore. I’m sure I put a guard up inside me to protect my sensitive feelings when I was younger and scared to try to make it in the world. Having armor is a good way to steel ourselves to get through tough situations, so I am glad I had it.

I just don’t need that heavy armor now. I’m okay with feeling fragile and vulnerable. Maybe it is because I have enough experience to know that no matter how hard things seem at any moment, those moments will pass and I will feel differently very soon. Thank God for getting older! For that I am deeply grateful.

Feeling the love I have toward others has come easily to me–but feeling their love in return has been harder for me to recognize. I was so busy trying so hard to live, and had so much internal armor, I know I didn’t feel the affection and appreciation of others as much as I could have. So! Here’s another reason to be grateful for the painful period I’ve been in, because I truly feel more love.

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