We have certain moments in our lives that are pivotal, that matter more than anything else at that particular moment. Those are the moments that define us, inform our lives and change the way we relate to others.
This morning I was talking with Lida and we realized that this past month we have both had those kinds of moments. Hers is about her health. Mine is about relationships. They have equal importance because it is what is up for us right now.
In this series of blogs about being a Life Entrepreneur, I have been sharing my inner thoughts about my life and what I see around me. I keep talking about listening to the inner voice each of us has–paying attention to it above all else. John Demartini says when the voice on the inside is stronger than the voices on the outside, that is true integrity. I have dedicated myself to living my life from the inside out for as long as I can remember, however, that doesn’t mean I have achieved it. It is my life journey, my greatest challenge. Each morning I wake up and recite my life purpose: I believe we are here to learn to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold. To me, that expresses this life journey.
So today, Lida was working on how to face something about her health that was really about taking care of herself–upping the ante on valuing herself. Over the last two weeks, I have been re-setting myself in terms of relationships–upping the ante on valuing myself. I love that we seem to parallel each other–and have been doing so for 35 years!
We don’t try to tell each other what to do. We mainly listen to each other and share what we are feeling. I find it enormously helpful, as does she. One of the best things about having a true Best Friend for 35 years is that I absolutely know that she is ever-present, won’t walk away from me no matter what I say or do. And she can count on the same from me. So when we have to deal with other people in our lives, knowing that we have each other gives us courage to stand up for ourselves, tell the truth, make the hard decisions and keep moving forward. We have each other’s backs.
I ended a relationship two weeks ago. When it started, I had such high hopes for it. I thought I had met someone I could really be myself with. But it didn’t work out. The worst part of it is that after five or so weeks into it, I stopped being all of myself and I started doing really crazy things. At first, I tried to talk with him about it–share how I felt, keep the communication going. His response to that was to deflect–to tell me the things I was feeling were off base, that I was wrong.
After going through the last year of hell learning to live with making the worst financial decisions of my entire life and slowly growing back into someone who could trust her body, trust her inner voice, that response didn’t work for me. I tried to tell him that I had to listen to my body, that I couldn’t go against my inner voice. From that moment on, we became people I didn’t like anymore. He was distant, I was frustrated, he was dishonest and so was I. I did things I wouldn’t want to do again, became sneaky about trying to prove what my inner voice was telling me. I did find proof, I did validate my feelings, but I didn’t find a way to tell him how much I really knew. I don’t think he ever found a way to face up to what he had actually done–not in being dishonest, but in having discounted my feelings and efforts to stay connected.
After the situation became untenable, I walked away. Yes, I have a history of walking away from relationships, and I get accused, from time to time, of being someone who can’t or won’t commit to truly being in a relationship. I don’t believe that is true. I am deeply committed to myriad relationships. Commitment is not my problem. Being in something that isn’t a fit for me is where I have a problem.
Perhaps it is because I have had to face myself and take responsibility for the direction my life has taken, but I am just not willing to stay in situations that don’t work. It may make me seem cold or unfeeling, but I would rather have the whole world against me than go against my own soul.
I’ve started seeing someone else and although it is too soon to tell where it is going, I feel open, honest and authentic because we both seem to have reached a point where telling the truth feels right. We ask each other a lot of questions, and we answer honestly. Feels good. I feel authentic, and my body tells me it is true. What is most important to me in all of this is that I feel more connected to myself and haven’t had to edit what I say and haven’t been told that what I feel is wrong.
What I’m really saying is that my relationship with myself seems to be flourishing. Knowing I haven’t left myself behind, ignored my intuition, denigrated my feelings, or discounted my inner voice is letting me actually sleep through the night–as anyone who is over sixty will tell you is a blessing in itself!
I still have the possibility of ending up alone, but I prefer to see it as all-one with myself. And if I am with me, then being true to myself is worth it.