I was having my early morning call with my friend Lida today and as I was talking I realized I had made a very big change in my life and only by putting it into words did I see its impact. Almost eleven years ago I discovered the teachings of John Demartini and I can honestly say that I fell in love with studying what he had to offer. I spent the next several years going to classes all over the place–I even took some in Paris and Mexico–although most of them were in the US.
I met amazing, wonderful people along the way. I studied like crazy and got certified to teach his method (now called The Demartini Method) and found that I could take what I learned and apply it easily, and that it helped a lot of people, especially me.
It seemed to synthesize all the other things I had studied over the years. One of the great benefits to running into a lot of life challenges is that it drove me to seek answers, try to find ways to understand and move through some very difficult periods. I was hungry for more, I was willing to do whatever it took to learn and keep growing. It informed my work, and I became a really good business owner, coach, teacher, consultant, combining those teachings with my own experiences and finding ways to really integrate it all together.
Over the last year, I started to feel something different about studying with John. His classes seemed very familiar and I would find my mind wandering. I went to a repeat class of some really interesting material and got sick, as if my body just couldn’t absorb any more information. I decided to go to more classes to see how it felt, what I got from them. I still loved the teaching, but I found I didn’t love being there. I was easily distracted.
When I faced my big financial crisis last year, I used all the tools I had learned and they helped, but it still took me time to work through my process. I began to embrace that time, to stop beating myself up for not “getting it” sooner, for not finding peace more easily. The difficulty became my teacher. Waking up in a panic was my sign that I was still here, still working, still alive somehow.
Over the last month things have shifted again, and I have found myself getting lightning insights in the middle of being on the floor doing Pilates, or talking with Lida, or reflecting on something someone said. I have been more aware of myself, noticed how I was feeling more easily. I have been a bit of a hermit off and on for the last year or so, but it has been a rich time. I have been very selective about conversations, sharing what I could, when I could, and letting myself wait, and watch, and wonder what would come next.
So this morning, talking with Lida, I realized I’m not in love with being a Demartini student anymore. I love the work, I love that he is out there spreading his message around the globe, I love that new people discover his teachings and fall in love with studying them. I love that I engaged fully in that endeavor.
And I love what it led me to. I love that I am now in love with studying my own life. Being in it. Living it. Finding ways to enjoy it–my family, my friends, my relationships have a deeper meaning to me than ever before. I can sit and watch nature around me and feel that sense of peace that I used to go searching for. I can express my vulnerability and a friend will send me a CD to listen to, one that helps me feel more of myself. I am aware that I am loved.
I fell in love with my own life. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with my family. I fell in love with my friends. I don’t think I would be here, in this place, if I hadn’t been so strident, worked so hard all these years to learn from this wonderful teacher, John Demartini. And I hope to continue to stay connected to him and work with him from time to time. And I am deeply grateful that I met him, that I learned from him and that he has modeled to me what it looks like to be so driven and focused, so completely dedicated to his mission.
Now it is time for me to be dedicated to myself. Thanks to all that help, I think I’m up to the task.